It’s the key pillar of the Trump Doctrine. Hire American, buy American, deport those who aren’t American. But while that policy might be resonating with the 47 percent of American voters in Trump’s corner, it is quickly becoming the butt of a viral, international joke.
In late January, the Dutch comedy show Zondag Met Lubach created a satirical video asking Trump to please consider making the Netherlands second to America. Since then, comedians in numerous other countries have made their own videos linked by the hashtag #EverySecondCounts. Most of the videos are narrated inTrump-like voices, and they tout the many things about each nation Trump is likely to appreciate — such as ancient walls, racism, the ousting of immigrants, wars and human rights violations.
Can you guess a pro-Trump theme from Germany’s video?
We couldn’t help but watch them all. What can we say? We at YesThisHappened are political history buffs! Here we’ve compiled the best 10 “Who Wants to be Second?” videos for your viewing pleasure. Consider it your civic duty to see just how seriously the rest of the world believes in “America First.”
And as you watch these, remember — even Moldova is laughing at us.
Stamina? Check. Walls? Check. Racism? Check. Influenced by Russia? Bigly check! The question isn’t why would Trump put Bulgaria second, it’s why WOULDN’T Trump put Bulgaria second?
Some of Bulgaria’s best credentials: “Just like you, we built a wall on the border, and we actually made other people pay for it — the European Union.” And there’s also this gem: “You have the KKK, we have Kuukeri — different masks, more cowbell, but same goals — fight the dark forces.”
Trump loves celebrities — he IS a celebrity — and Bulgaria has those, too. “We have a bunch of other famous Bulgarians — Christo, Nina Dobrev and of course John Attanasov. Attanasov invented the first computer. Without him, you wouldn’t have your Twitter.”
Donald Trump’s disdain for Muslim immigrants isn’t a secret — which is one of the biggest reasons why Austria believes it should be America’s second.
“We invented the Muslim ban,” says a mildly Trump-like narrator in Austria’s video. “In 1529, we kicked the Turks out of our country. In 1683, they came back. Kicked them out again. Total losers! They can’t even ski.”
The video touts Austria’s villages (with names such as Hard and Assling), family sizes, manly traditions and history with classical music. But Trump might be more attracted to this nation’s storied military expertise.
“We started World War I and World War II. Both of them. It’s true,” the video says. “So if you need any advice in this field, why not learn from the best?”
America First, Israel Second could have actually been the Trump campaign’s slogan during the last presidential election. Or maybe America First, Russia Second, Israel Third — or maybe Russia first? Either way, you get the point. Israel is important!
This video further’s Israel claim for second place with two fantastic points.
It’s well known that Trump absolutely loves his daughter. No, not that one; we’re talking about Ivanka! Well, Ivanka married Jared Kushner, who is Jewish. She converted to Judaism for him. And that’s why Trump should choose Israel as America’s wingman. “We Jews are the chosen people,” the video said. “Your daughter, Ivanka, chose us. They say daughters marry their fathers, okay, and we are rich and we run the world.”
And who can top Israel’s real estate? “Israel. Just tremendous, okay. So great. Great location. Right on the Mediterranean sea. The best sea. Just like swimming in urine. Super sexy. You would love it.”
Trump doesn’t like Mexico — fair statement? He doesn’t like Hispanic immigrants, hates trading with Mexico and literally wants to wall them out. With that in mind, it’s easy to see why Spain’s video touts the nation’s history with America’s neighbors to the south, starting with Spain’s conquest of the Aztec Empire in the early 1500s.
“Yes, we created the Mexicans, but we did it by screwing all the Aztec girls,” the video boasts. “We also screwed Mayan girls. Inca girls, too. We grabbed three entire empires by their pussies. It’s sexy.”
And Spain’s sales pitch doesn’t stop there!
“Know what? We invented the Spanish Inquisition. The cool ISIS. The ISIS as it should be. The good one. Nobody expected us. They liked to burn people in the name of God. Like KKK.”
Morocco is the self-proclaimed “best kingdom on the planet,” and for good reason. Morocco is not only huge, but also built one of the “best walls ever” to separate them from enemies. That’s right up Trump’s alley! They were also the first nation to recognize the United States way back in 1777, or so the video claims, and had a great slavery business going, with over one million European slaves. They’re practically the United States of Africa.
Morocco goes on to point out that choosing a European country as second would be a mistake. A huge mistake. Why, you might ask? Because Europe is weak. Total losers. And just flooded with refugees and immigrants. Clearly not what Trump wants.
Oh, and there’s something in Morocco for everyone. Even the women! “We also have the best TV channels in Morocco. Our state TV station even teaches women how to cover up bruises due to domestic violence. Melania will love it. Our TV Channel is much better than fake news channels like CNN. It’s fantastic.”
Seriously, what’s not to love?
Finland is beautiful, rural and rustic — like America’s flyover states with actual culture and landscape. And, like those flyover states that turned out so well for Trump, turns out those Finns are big fans of walls. Well, kind of.
“You like to build walls. We have built walls,” the video says. “Well, fences. Thousands of miles of fence along all the roads. To keep the moose out. And we made the moose pay for it.”
Another selling point for Finland — it’s super white, and immigrants make up barely 2 percent of the population. But fear not, Donald! Finland’s got you covered.
“In America you have the KKK,’ the video says. “In Finland we have supermarkets called KKK.”
Namibia would like to set the record straight: Namibia is the best country in Africa. Way better than the EU. Seriously, they’ve got everything in Namibia, from “Bushman TV” (the only channel, but the best channel in the world. Even better than Fox News.) to delicious braai and a “great tower” that actually looks like a giant coffee machine. Seriously. Also, that tower? The North Koreans built it for them, so obviously Namibia is on Trump’s level. In fact, the North Koreans basically build anything Namibia wants (though Namibia isn’t really sure why).
And let’s not forget Trump’s love of walls, either. Especially walls that other people build. “Guess what! We also have a great wall. It’s around our state house – a big wall. Even with some gold things on it, okay. And guess what? We made China build it. It’s true. So true.”
Namibia even makes their own beer, and without all those pesky regulations the Germans use. So, clearly Namibian beer is just better. Totally better. Especially the homemade beer called Tombo, which can paralyze you the entire weekend. It’s tremendous.
Namibia would like to point out that, while they understand that America is first on this continent, Namibia is totally first in Africa. “Wow. How great is that? Two firsts in the world!
Of course Germany’s video made our list. With this country’s rich tradition of populist leadership, how could it not?
True, the achievements of Adolf Hitler wouldn’t be a selling point for most world leaders. But this is Donald Trump we’re talking about! The video does a tremendous job of pitching the Fuhrer’s finer points to the former “Celebrity Apprentice” star.
“Great politicians, great leaders, so smart, great hair, great suit, look at his suit, he made Germany great again,,” the video says. “The media totally loved him, wrote only nice things about him, great guy, total winner, his book — a best seller. It’s true. Steve Bannon absolutely loves him.”
What’s more sexy to Trump than authoritarianism? Germany is world famous for its beer, but Trump says he doesn’t drink alcohol. That doesn’t stop the makers of Germany’s video from boasting about Oktoberfest, though. Think about it — what happens when you drink mass quantities of beer?
“It’s the best beer fest God ever created. There is pee everywhere,” the video says. “You will love it. Just saying, great pee. German, beer pee. Or, as we call it in Germany, Bud Light.”
Donald Trump loves winners, and that’s why he’ll love Croatia.
“We are the only country in Europe that won every war,” Croatia’s video boasts. “It’s a fact. Alternative fact.”
And how about having a wall to keep out immigrants?
“We already have the wall,” the video says. “These are the famous walls of Ston. Built to keep the Mexicans out. In Europe, we call them Turks. They have great food though, so delicious. Also Muslim. Very sad.”
What really sold us on Croatia’s video is its claim to Dubrovnik, which is the setting for King’s Landing in the hit HBO series “Game of Thrones.”
“Best place in Westeros. Just terrific,” the video says. “It is ruled by blond, incestuous spoiled boy king. You would love it.”
And this final quip, voiced over footage of Ku Klux Klan members on horseback: “Also has dragons. Not those dragons.”